Whether you’ve tried dating apps or the “organic” approach of striking up conversations at hardware stores or in the produce aisle, any woman actively dating in her late 20s to 30s knows exactly the type of guy I’m talking about in this post: “Not a heartthrob, but still a heartbreaker – the Mediocre Guy.” If you’re not sure who I mean, don’t worry—I’ll break it down for you.

This guy keeps popping up in your dating feed or “people you may know” suggestions over the past few months. He’s not unattractive, but there are a few minor things you notice right away that make you hesitate, things that, had you met him in person, might not even stand out. Still, you’ve passed on him more than once.

If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

Then, out of nowhere, he appears again. Maybe you’ve been having a rough patch in the dating world—dealing with jerks, feeling drained, or just going through one of those “ehh” phases of surviving the dating game. When he shows up again, you’ll be tempted to overlook those small things that gave you pause earlier. After all, you’re not perfect either, and chasing after the “perfect guy” has gotten you nowhere. You might even feel like you know him a little, remembering small details from his profile. But don’t fall for it.

This guy will seem really into you, maybe love-bombing or acting overly smitten, knowing you’re a bit out of his league. He’ll play on your empathy, listening closely to your feelings and experiences. He’ll appear thoughtful and genuine, making you feel like you can trust him. He’ll know the pain from your past relationships and leave you questioning nothing. This is where it gets tricky. For someone like me, who doesn’t usually have trust issues, it’s easy to get caught up in the illusion, but eventually, reality hits.

He’ll open up about his past—his “psycho ex-wife” or “controlling ex-girlfriend”—and seem emotionally evolved, talking about the work he’s done to improve himself. His moments of insecurity, instead of being off-putting, will seem endearing. You’ll feel emotionally safe, and in an odd way, it’ll feel like you’re doing him a favor by being so invested. It might even make you want to protect him more when he shares his “sob story” about how people have wronged him. This last guy was a big gym guy—always posting workout videos and telling me about how his ex-wife mistreated him, and I found myself feeling sympathy for and liking him more.

The degree to which he is deceiving you can obviously vary drastically. In my situation with this last joker– He had been in (what she thought) was a committed relationship with him since July. She met him while he was falling all over himself drunk at the community pool while he was visiting his mom last summer. The guy (I thought) was my boyfriend since late September wasn’t a drinker because he had a couple “irresponsible” nights with vodka while he was going through his divorce so he found it best to just cut alcohol out entirely. You can imagine my shock to find out he was 50-60k in debt because of his spending most of last summer in rehab– oh and the other girlfriend was making payments on said debt because he already has three boys on a teaching salary that he can’t afford in his one bedroom apartment.

I had a nagging voice in the back of my mind about this chick and the interactions I had seen by him on her Facebook… then there was the night we were laying in bed and his Apple Watch lit up with texts from her– So I asked about it. I gave him every opportunity to be at least a little honest. This guy was so determined to lie that he told me a long elaborate story about how she was a friend from back home from high school and he was just trying to be nice to her because she was suicidal and had recently been into a facility for her own well being. Turns out he never told me a single truth in the entire time I “knew” him. He denied any and all things all the way up until the last possible hour– when I finally messaged her on Facebook and asked. The perfect gaslighting and flipping the script that it was my fault and my over-stepping. That he was angry and it was bullshit I accused him of ever talking to anyone while we were “together.” He shared intimate photos of the other girl in his what’s app convo with his buddies, and referred to me as “some girl.”

Come to find out, the timing of his calls and messages to juggle the both of us was so flawless that we neither one had any idea or suspicion at all. As much as he played on my fears and past hurt– she had just gotten a divorce from a husband that was cheating on her, so she wanted intimate with him… and he knew all of the details of that for her… and sought me out and did what he did. It truly became hard to wrap my head around all of the lies and stories and reminding myself that this lies solely on him and his inability to be a good person, not me and the caliber of woman I am. It didn’t make it less shocking that I had bought into his playlists he would send… the songs or posts on social media that any woman would want to receive. The entire time he was off school on Christmas Break he made up elaborate stories about him having his phone off because he was in a bad place for his own mental health and his ex-wife was being a shitty mom and choosing to run around and chase guys versus being present as a mom. In reality he was posted up on her couch all break crying because she wouldn’t sleep with him still. Most painful of all– in the almost 7 years since my divorce my kids have met 3 people… I don’t know why he was all about being around my kids and that even being an option when he was really running the game he was. Luckily they are at the ages it isn’t detrimental to them… but lesson definitely learned.

It definitely rocked me as far as my judgement and trust in people. My fears and emotions of self worth from losing my mom as stated in previous post. Someone’s ability to lie to your face, discard you without a second thought, and never care about you at all… As mentioned earlier in this post– life is hard on the streets, ya’ll.

Another entire topic he managed to lie about was his inability to get anyone pregnant– he and his ex-wife were forced to do in-vitro all three times. I didn’t take him entirely at face-value, as I had just had my IUD removed and therefore I was tracking my cycle. Until the month of January… when he stayed one night at my place, and lucky me!

Continuing his streak of being a stellar guy, I was left to handle the situation, make decisions and get through it entirely on my own. He hasn’t called or text to check in. Has not apologized. He is pissed and resentful toward me… because he is obviously the kind of guy a woman would want to trap into a relationship.

There is still about three pages of lies and crazy things, but for the sake of moving on with my life and choosing to forgive him and accept the apology and respect I never got from him– mostly I just hope he gets his act together for his boys.

I know that I am a good person and have learned a ton about myself and life through the unfortunate experiences I encountered with him… It is him I feel sorry for. When you’re 39 years old and lie, manipulate and behave the way he does… change isn’t in his future.

On days I catch myself feeling down, I head straight for some music. Taylor Swift- Smallest Man That Ever Lived is oh so fitting. And in the off chance you ever read this One Nut Nick– you’ll never measure up in any sense of what a man is, but I do hope you try.

CB Key Insights

Nice, lesser hot guys don’t always finish last. Sometimes they’re reveling in you eating out of their hand and the high horse of feeling like they’re finally on top and sought after by multiple women.

I’ll never live a life with my wall and guard entirely up– because I learned that while that might keep my heart safe for a temporary time– its not actually living. Not letting anyone in close enough to potentially get hurt is not living at all. So I’ll continue to attract all of the wrong ones until maybe some day I find the right one… but you can bet your ass one thing, settling simply to avoid being alone is not in my future 🙂

xoxo